How to Drink from a Can

For my first blog 'entree' (is that's how it's called?), I'd like to offer
up simple directions on how to drink from a can. Yes, you read that
correctly: How to drink from a can. You say, that's insane, anyone
knows that without being told. It's a skill learned practically in the
highchair. But, if we go back a few decades, back to a time when
anything ~new~ went unquestioned, folks drank from the can

I know by experience right out of the starting gate, that there are high
brows out there who scoff at the very idea of considering such a thing,
having evolved beyond the can to the bottle for their alcoholic or
sweetened beverage requirements. You wouldn't catch them in the
lower class activity of drinking from a common can. But there are still
some of us who occasionally buy a 12 or 18 pac of beer or sodas on sale
at the drug store, if it's a tolerable brand. Mexican, Euro, Canadian,
even Aussie beer come in cans, and are usually overpriced, and so if
they go on sale, they'll be purchased. You can stuff more cans in the
ice chest than bottles.

Beverage cans, today, all have pop tops. And why shouldn't they? It's a
convenience that makes good, practical sense. It's an evolved device.
Before the pop top there was the pull tab. The pull tab was superior
for the only reason that it made a different hole ontop the can allowing for
better flow of the liquid from the container, compared to the present day
pop top. The pull tab hole was closer to the edge of the can, and was
longer, too, where the top of the hole provided a vent, plus allowed
a large target for the upper lip to plant itself to the hole.
But the shape of the pull tab hole was inferior to the hole made by the archaic,
and just never seen anymore, church key. The church key punched a
triangular hole, with the base of the triangle up next to the rim of the can.
That triangular hole allowed for a more laminar flow of the liquid as it
exited the can. 'Laminar' means flow without turbulence. If you have a
carbinated drink, you want to minimize the fizz loss before it hits the inside
of your mouth cavity. Back in the day, the bigger the church key, the
greater the flow of liquid, and therefore, much more satisfying and refreshing.
Like the comparison between stepping into an inflatable pool on the lawn, or
diving into a proper swimming pool. Bigger is better, or was.

In these post-ultra-modern times we live in today,
if one were to keep an eye peeled to score a church key
to improve their drinking experience (And why not
improve it?), keep it in mind that the larger church key
is no longer the desireable unit. Since all cans now have
the pop top, and the pop top's rivet and tab prohibits the
utilization of the large sized church keys. Nowadays one
has to use the smaller church key, but even so, it is an
improvement over the inferior hole that the pop top

Resist going to eBay and buying one of their rusted old church keys.

You want a brand new church key that you can clean once in a while
to prevent microbial growth, and no matter how much you scrub rust,
there is just too much surface area to keep down the microbes.

I've seen this new design for a church key marketed for making chugging
beer safer and more convenient, but for the for mild mannered drinkers
from a can, this doesn't do the trick because they are designed to open a
beer can on the side, at the wrong end, and should be avoided unless one
finds chugging a plus. (Get the girls stinking drunk? Worth a try.)But even now, if you look, you might spot in a plastic tumbler on a crowded
liquor store counter, by that special cleared area where we all put down our
cash, church keys for sale cheap. When you do spot them, scarf up extras
to keep on hand, and in the drawer, or in the tackle box, because they're so
darned easy to lose. No one knows where they go.

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